My head's under water, but I'm breathing fine

Time check: 12:59am

I don't know what to do. I feel extremely unmotivated and homesick... I don't even know where I'm going with this post hahah. Everyday I come home at around 5 pm, watch an episode of Suits, eat dinner and take a longggggg ass nap. It's the kind of tiredness sleep can't help you get over, but you find comfort in it anyway. I set my alarm and tell myself I will get up at 9:30pm and start doing work.   Evidently my alarms don't do shit for me anymore haha. 

I feel like... a fish out of water. I miss home. It's like with this responsibility of living alone comes freedom. To decide how and what you want to do. No one there to nag on you when you nap for too long, use the computer for hours on end or laze in bed with your phone. I feel like I'm just going through each day, counting down to the days I will be home. School is a real chore and it's just getting to me. There isn't real joy or enthusiasm in my eyes anymore. Hopefully this is just a phase, and as with all the other phases it will pass over soon enough. 

Exams in 26 days & Home in 33 days

Time check: 1:11 am

How much of your past should you bring forward with you?

Was having dinner and I just felt like I had to pen this post down right after.

Not that it's super important or anything but I love it when something I've been thinking about comes to mind, and together with it comes the urge to jot it down somewhere know? :-)

although I have more important things at hand to deal with (e.g. econs case studies) but okay that'll take up my whole night later anyway hahaha. 

-

When you fall in love with someone, both your lives start to intertwine. You put special meanings to certain dates, learn to love their favourite food and colour, involve a piece of them in your passwords so they know the place they hold in your life etc., all in ways that may seem queer to others but seems so right and special to you (at that point in time, at least). 

but what happens when it ends? 

they may be physically out of your life already but what about pieces of them left in it?

Out of habit, it will seem alright to just leave most of the things as it is. Or maybe subconsciously deep down you don't really wanna "reset" the imprints they left on your life, because of whatever reasons.

& so, what happens when you fall in love again?

How much of your past should you bring forward with you?

-

Honestly I used to think it's perfectly alright to keep whatever remnants of the past with you, especially things like passcodes or whatnots. I mean if there's no more emotional attachment, it'll just be another memory that may have turned into something you're used to having around.  

The new person in your life should be understanding and compromise, that's what I thought. 

But what you expect of others you should expect of yourself right? that's the difficult part.

I realised; (when I talk about it,) it actually affects me. It's not a constant pain or anything, 

more of just like a nagging feeling. But it affects me to the extent that I can compromise on, turning a blind eye to it, pretending there isn't a significance behind. 

And this is funny considering how I felt that I would expect someone to be fine with it hahaha.

It occurred to me that regardless or not there's emotional attachment, 

by having that fragment or hint of that person still in your life would just always serve as a reminder of what they mean/meant to you. don't really know if I'm making sense but yeah. 

I mean to you, it may just be another memory, but what if it affects the person you're with currently?

is it unfair of them to want no hint of your past in your present? 

and then I came to another realisation; if your new relationship is special enough.. overtime both of you will begin to create new special moments together. Soon enough you'll find the need to put special meanings to everything that's close to your heart, all over again, 

because they mean that much to you.

Nothing changes overnight, because if it does it just means it never really was there anyway. But there's beauty in gradual change and how it comes about; slowly but surely. 

guess that's something I'm enlightened about :-)
yay I finally jotted this down HAHA till next time x

bouts of doubt // I want out

Just woke up from a long ass nap awhile ago. 

I don't know how I can feel so chill, knowing the shitload of work I need to catch up on and the fact that prelims is in a week's time ha ha ha. 

I've been thinking a lot lately (as always). 

And, I don't know, this lack of having a "life" is starting to get to me haha. 

Like I don't know how to put it, I feel like my life is starting to dull. I don't have time to go to places, indulge in retail therapy, take pretty pictures, rewatch the movies i love.

"Do more of what makes you happy"

I guess I just haven't and don't have time to do the things I love anymore. 

This deprivation is starting to make me feel... I don't know actually am I even feeling anymore haha.

I'm such a mess.

& it doesn't help that I am experiencing this whole drought of positivity all over again.

I miss being able to pour out my thoughts to someone/thing. 

It feels like I can't do so now without having to worry about being judged or accidentally saying something wrong and triggering off a mess. 

bouts of doubt i really want out but then again am i ever sure of what i want

why do I get so easily agitated by the smallest of things?

 Sometimes I really don't know if I know what I want. Sometimes it's as if you get the right things at the wrong time. I don't know why I'm thinking along such lines cuz I should've already straightened out my thoughts, but well. And then again I think and I'm just like what's wrong with not feeling okay about certain things at times right? I mean I don't think it's right for me to always compromise on the way I feel about things at the expense of my feelings.

Everything is so volatile right now and I know these emotions are unhealthy for my system. But I just hope it's all a passing phase because if not it will definitely come up again in the future, I can feel it already.

-

on a side note,

Haven't done a math tutorial in ages #modelstudent fml. 

Correlation tutorial be pissing the shit out of me.... nvm I tried man, A FOR EFFORT.

It's 12:17am and I thought my night would be off to a great start... but I guess not.

I'm starting to doubt everything that's ever been there. Everything, and now thinking about it I don't know how sure I am about anything at all anymore. I feel like just bawling my eyes out cause I honestly feel very lost and upset right now. 

I told you I was am messy and complex. You knew what you were getting yourself into, and I thought you were okay with it; okay with me as I am. I thought your love was unconditional, thought you saw my blunt and rough edges but still loved me anyway. Maybe I thought wrong.

Here's to another long ass night of me trying to get my shit together. 

-

I'm probably better off alone.

vulnerability

!!!!  HANDLE WITH CARE  !!!!

Do you know how it feels like to put your heart on the line?

That all too familiar feeling. Throwing yourself off the cliff of belief and hope that the rope of trust would secure you and eventually not let you crash right down. 

You just recovered from a major fall. Your bones heal. They were once broken, but through some way or another you got them to heal and you fixed yourself. It was far from easy. It took awhile but you eventually managed to anyway. You told yourself, nothing will make me take the risk and jump off again. Nothing ever. There is only so much your body can take... and you know it. 

Someone brings you back to that very same cliff. And you simulate the jump. 

Oh did it feel good, felt amazing. 

In that moment, the pains of your previous fall didn't seem that big of a deal anymore. It didn't scare you away from free falling anymore. The love for the jump became more apparent to you. 

That was in that moment.

Your fears grip you from time to time, just when you thought you were over them; they get to you. 

You love the jump, you wanna take the rope of trust again but it's just so difficult.

But, how are you gonna live if you're too scared to die?

-

I don't wanna act like a baby and cry myself over such a seemingly trivial matter. 

but it's just so fucking scary and i'm just so afraid you know? 

I really am

Ughkheifsflinqkjbsdjfgui gosh, i'm such a loser. 

11 days

Managed to consolidate whatever I can for Econs as of 12:44 am. Just gonna go in tmr and see what I can do haha. So stressed and feeling so pms-y it's not even funny anymore. Plus all those late nights i've had (mainly mugging) are starting to manifest on my body and take a toil on me. My eye bags, horrid complexion (fucking pimples FUUUUUCK) etc. sigh. Exam anxiety has always gotten the best of me, fuck that shit.

 "If you can't beat them, join them." 

or more like if you aren't able to defeat it, don't fight against it. Rather, work with it.

Today I realised how I've grown. Grown to be more understanding, grown to be more patient. I also realised how the lessons learnt from the best relationships you've had, past or present, will go on with you and you will always find yourself learning from them. I'm flawed. Horribly. Not that I didn't already know, but I realised I couldn't let my faults cost me another person.  

A question that has been lingering in my head (on top of all the exam related shit),  

How do you love strongly, passionately, with all you have, but yet guard your heart at the same time? 

To love at all is to be vulnerable.

-

Above all these thoughts though, I've been really happy for the past 1.5 weeks. Happiest I've been in a while. It's true, when someone slams the front door shut on you, a lot of others open up. 

The best things in life come when you least expect them to. :)

relapse

"I hate how a simple event could easily trigger my entire system to feel so awful altogether. It's probably accumulated from The Fault is in Our Stars. I'm not a fan of that movie, really. It awoken too many unwanted dormant feelings and I've no idea how to deal with them. So they remain suppressed. I wish I bawled like a child in the cinema like how some girls did but instead, I stared intently at the screen hoping for a better ending."

-Irinatyt 

Discovered many things today. Little things that will always seem bigger than they actually are because it's always magnified to me, anything that's relevant to you. Wouldn't say that it bothers me, but I don't know how to put it in another way. Watching TFIOS definitely contributed to this trigger. It's been.... almost 3/6 months respectively. I was done with everything, I really was. 
Why is it slowly coming back now? 
I thought it was just another recurrence, which I always brush off very quickly. But this has been a nagging thought for the past week already and I just have to get this feeling off my chest.

it's so tough to fight everything off. I don't know what is there left to do. there's nothing left to do, which is the worrying part because everything is suppose to fall into place now but that isn't really the case during times like these. I'm actually amazed at I can be worrying and busy about so many things but yet still be able to accommodate these kinda shit in my mind. 
How is it that amidst all the busyness you still find a way to wriggle into my thoughts??

How is it that I can make room for what is meant to be left in the past and should stay there?

This, I will never know or understand. 

You're clearing up the remnants and residual of whatever; and so should I, but didn't I already? 
I guess I did (at least) for the things that are tangible, but sigh all these emotional baggage, I suppose you can't just keep away like that. 

Talked to Vanessa and just ranted and yes came to a realisation that,
 some things can only get better in time. 
Only time can clear up whatever that may seem unclearable right now. This is just another relapse and I'm glad I'm on my way to the right track, the one that was so difficult to get myself on.

I know I'm on the right route as long as I'm walking; walking away from you.

New home screen as a daily reminder to myself:

pounced upon some things on youtube that just stirred up so many emotions within me.

these are two of the things:

 

Idek why..... they are like happy stuff and yes okay I can't explain man. 

no I did not fall back into my dark pit of sadness or whatsoever, just thought know this is my blog right? so why can't I write what I wanna write haha.

I guess for the past few months I've been trying to numb myself of any sort of emotion.. because it seemed like the best way to guard my heart from anything. So everything/one I read, saw, heard, talked to; I let them get to me only on the surface.

Everything I mean, everything. Thoughtcatalog articles that I read and could relate to, I glance through them quickly and send them to my reading list and close the tab. 

People that ask me how I am, I tell them I'm doing fine and i'm really not "sad" anymore (I really am not sad anymore haha); and mainly also because I didn't wanna think about anything or asked myself if I was fine. Because the moment I let myself think, I let myself feel. 

and honestly... nothing good comes out of that.

okay as of now I don't really know what's the point of this post hahahahaha, but must there 

be a point for this post? nah, 

It just felt scary, to have something get to the soft spot of your heart, the spot you hid away somewhere you don't even remember or know how to retrieve back. The spot you don't intend to recall where you left it at. You just know you hid it away so deep and far in, that you don't plan on bringing it out. 

I guess it fascinates me, and makes me realise that when something gets to me, i am reminded of the fact that I have a heart. & that I'm only human and it's okay to feel again once in awhile even though I try hard not to. Because I guess that what's scarier is when you realise, that

 you can't and don't feel anymore. 

-

okay, moving on :~)

since you've been gone

Hi everyone!!!! (anyone who happen to read this haha)

I've been on quite a hiatus, haven't I?

Had the feel to post these 2 selfies (which I just took haha) because:

1. I look healthier

2. I look happy

3. Gave me a glimpse/reminded me

 of what I was like a while back 

:')

I may still hurt, I may still falter. 

That's because I'm only human, I have feelings, I can feel.

I'm still lost, confused and trying to take everything one step at a time. 

Even if I look like I'm fine, trust me when I say that

I still struggle. every moment

but hey, here I am 

doing what i'm known for 

(or at least what most people say)

smiling :-)

This has been my home screen for the longest time now,
it's nothing fancy (it's laid out exactly like that), just with the quote:

NEVER

REGRET 

SOMETHING

THAT ONCE

MADE YOU

SMILE

 till the next time xx

Couples who are meant to be, have the ability to find their way back to each other; as if they're naturally drawn to each other. Even if they were to lose each other over something unpleasant, somehow they'll just mend back the gap. 

As silly as this is going to sound, I think that everyone is born in a pair (male + female); they're also attached to each other with an invisible string. This string is designed to keep them near to each other and find their way back to each other when they are lost. 

And only time will tell, who'll be the one finding their way back to you.

(via  Irina's blog)

When emotions and thoughts don't mix well

Sometimes, i don't know how i feel.

Or what i want.

Maybe it's this promos thing that's screwing with my mind. It better be.

this post doesn't quite make sense

Yes, its a picture of us again.

It's 11:05pm and I should probably get my GP essay outline done asap (for my anal gp tcher) (who's gonna make me stay back tmrw) (fml).

But no, I can't seem to bring myself to complete it. So yes here I am.

I would say this is a form of escapism, which in my definition is to do other things that allows me to not do what i'm suppose to be doing.

I'm sorry if my blog is flooded with boring pictures of Shawn+I and school mates...

I have a very uninteresting life, with nothing much going on. 

I guess this is a space that's becoming much more personal to me cause although I don't have a lot of things going on right now, there are things going on and I just need an outlet. (does this make sense)

Shawn makes me happy, not superficially. It's not easy cause i'm always so messed up on the inside... with so much going on in my head.

He is there when I'm thoroughly upset, there when I need to share my joy with someone. 

It's probably due to the fact that I don't really have friends that bother to patronise me, but then again he doesn't really too, so we have each other. I guess when you think don't have things to be grateful for, you find the slightest things to be grateful for.

It's not because we are more than friends that I find comfort and joy in/with him. I would say even if we don't work out in the future, he'll still be my best friend (more like my soulmate), cause it's hard to find another that can understand you so well and still accept you as you are. 

Everyday it gets harder. I feel a bit more inadequate in every aspect, and it just breaks me down further.

Not being able to catch up in class, clearly knowing on the inside that I am very far behind academically. Getting excluded in conversations, as much as I try to be nice. Knowing time is running short and I may be the very cause of my own downfall. Trying to catchup but it seems almost impossible. Not being able to bring myself to do shit cause' I don't know where to start and when I do I hit road blocks and hide away like a coward.

As much as I try to tell myself it's okay to not to be regarded, I suppose I just have to get used to this. 

it's even harder to tell yourself to get back on track when you come home to know that there's problems between your parents. It's worse when you realise, honestly no one gives a shit. 

Move on. Kids in Africa are starving. Stop whining. 

I need to learn to be a noble gas (as quoted from prudence eons ago), unreactive.

Keep your head held high. Here's to anyone who feels like shit, you're not alone and it's okay to feel that way. Just don't let it get to you

loneliness

Sometimes we try too hard for people who don't deserve it.

Sometimes we yearn so much for any form of company, 

from people that just patronise us.

Maybe some people are just meant to be lonely.

NO do not blame it on their character or personality.

"You try so hard but you don't succeed, get what you want but not what you need."

Superficial friendships all around, but sometimes it hurts less to have some rather than none.

Well it's about time to embrace loneliness.