How much of your past should you bring forward with you?

Was having dinner and I just felt like I had to pen this post down right after.

Not that it's super important or anything but I love it when something I've been thinking about comes to mind, and together with it comes the urge to jot it down somewhere know? :-)

although I have more important things at hand to deal with (e.g. econs case studies) but okay that'll take up my whole night later anyway hahaha. 

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When you fall in love with someone, both your lives start to intertwine. You put special meanings to certain dates, learn to love their favourite food and colour, involve a piece of them in your passwords so they know the place they hold in your life etc., all in ways that may seem queer to others but seems so right and special to you (at that point in time, at least). 

but what happens when it ends? 

they may be physically out of your life already but what about pieces of them left in it?

Out of habit, it will seem alright to just leave most of the things as it is. Or maybe subconsciously deep down you don't really wanna "reset" the imprints they left on your life, because of whatever reasons.

& so, what happens when you fall in love again?

How much of your past should you bring forward with you?

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Honestly I used to think it's perfectly alright to keep whatever remnants of the past with you, especially things like passcodes or whatnots. I mean if there's no more emotional attachment, it'll just be another memory that may have turned into something you're used to having around.  

The new person in your life should be understanding and compromise, that's what I thought. 

But what you expect of others you should expect of yourself right? that's the difficult part.

I realised; (when I talk about it,) it actually affects me. It's not a constant pain or anything, 

more of just like a nagging feeling. But it affects me to the extent that I can compromise on, turning a blind eye to it, pretending there isn't a significance behind. 

And this is funny considering how I felt that I would expect someone to be fine with it hahaha.

It occurred to me that regardless or not there's emotional attachment, 

by having that fragment or hint of that person still in your life would just always serve as a reminder of what they mean/meant to you. don't really know if I'm making sense but yeah. 

I mean to you, it may just be another memory, but what if it affects the person you're with currently?

is it unfair of them to want no hint of your past in your present? 

and then I came to another realisation; if your new relationship is special enough.. overtime both of you will begin to create new special moments together. Soon enough you'll find the need to put special meanings to everything that's close to your heart, all over again, 

because they mean that much to you.

Nothing changes overnight, because if it does it just means it never really was there anyway. But there's beauty in gradual change and how it comes about; slowly but surely. 

guess that's something I'm enlightened about :-)
yay I finally jotted this down HAHA till next time x

bouts of doubt // I want out

Just woke up from a long ass nap awhile ago. 

I don't know how I can feel so chill, knowing the shitload of work I need to catch up on and the fact that prelims is in a week's time ha ha ha. 

I've been thinking a lot lately (as always). 

And, I don't know, this lack of having a "life" is starting to get to me haha. 

Like I don't know how to put it, I feel like my life is starting to dull. I don't have time to go to places, indulge in retail therapy, take pretty pictures, rewatch the movies i love.

"Do more of what makes you happy"

I guess I just haven't and don't have time to do the things I love anymore. 

This deprivation is starting to make me feel... I don't know actually am I even feeling anymore haha.

I'm such a mess.

& it doesn't help that I am experiencing this whole drought of positivity all over again.

I miss being able to pour out my thoughts to someone/thing. 

It feels like I can't do so now without having to worry about being judged or accidentally saying something wrong and triggering off a mess. 

bouts of doubt i really want out but then again am i ever sure of what i want

why do I get so easily agitated by the smallest of things?

 Sometimes I really don't know if I know what I want. Sometimes it's as if you get the right things at the wrong time. I don't know why I'm thinking along such lines cuz I should've already straightened out my thoughts, but well. And then again I think and I'm just like what's wrong with not feeling okay about certain things at times right? I mean I don't think it's right for me to always compromise on the way I feel about things at the expense of my feelings.

Everything is so volatile right now and I know these emotions are unhealthy for my system. But I just hope it's all a passing phase because if not it will definitely come up again in the future, I can feel it already.

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on a side note,

Haven't done a math tutorial in ages #modelstudent fml. 

Correlation tutorial be pissing the shit out of me.... nvm I tried man, A FOR EFFORT.

DOWNGRADE?? REALLY AH HAHAHAHA

EH WTF KNN CCB SIMI DOWNGRADE. 

idk if you're referring to what I think you're referring to but i'll just assume that you are LOl

Please go refer to your own now and just look at how fucking gross he looks rn. Not only what i think,  A L O T of people think so too hahahahaha. 

Ah well maybe you said what you said to make you feel better. hope you're feeling better now man :')  continue to be deluded ok? ok. HAHA

OMG this is really fucking amusing but ok i'm done ranting hehehe 

dgaf

Met up with Coco for a study sesh today!!!!! no pics cuz was hard at work DUHH haha

maki-san after wheee hehe never tried it before so since we were near dhoby why not :-)

 Panorama pic of the shop, super cute interior design hehe 

makes me feel so happy looking at the illustrations of the different sushis

Food coma afterwards x.x global economy killed me slowly but surely and definitely haha

Untied my braid when I reached home. Love the removing of my braid cuz like the braid makes my hair really fluffy and like wavy HAHA

everyday is gonna be mugging day cuz last week of hols already 

and yes CTs have to spoil it for me sighhhh :( I'M GONNA PULL THROUGH, I WILL.

On a side note today I had a catch up session over lunch with tcher Hong suan and mmm it was really nice that someone wanted to know how I was coping with school, home etc :') 

changed my blog header pic thingy. I know no one will notice la but hey I like it heheh wew

if vlow, is reading this I miss u sigh just saw your face on WA but i think you died on me AGAIN bij haha imyimyimyimy.

if Stelz and em are reading this, miss your faces and nonsense although we just annoyed each other through WA ytd HAHAH gahhhhhhh don't worry about not being prepared and shit, there's always belz LOLOL jk ok rlly miss you guys (and I want 4fingers weh)

Realised how full of themselves people can be. Used to have so many fucks to give man. Was talking to Leon about it on WA (our convos are damn candid and light hearted he's really nice to talk to HAHA) like randomly and well, I was really enlightened. Some things are just not worth my time and I really have better things to do/think about. This is definitely what everyone has been trying to get me to realise and I think I'm starting to see it better now. and mmm let's just say giving up my second hand things to people who are deprived honestly isn't difficult at all and well I really should settle for what I deserve and not anything less. 

Time is what you make of it; and so is your life, 

I definitely do not want to lead a life as pathetic and undignified as yours : )

till the next time hehehe 

relapse

"I hate how a simple event could easily trigger my entire system to feel so awful altogether. It's probably accumulated from The Fault is in Our Stars. I'm not a fan of that movie, really. It awoken too many unwanted dormant feelings and I've no idea how to deal with them. So they remain suppressed. I wish I bawled like a child in the cinema like how some girls did but instead, I stared intently at the screen hoping for a better ending."

-Irinatyt 

Discovered many things today. Little things that will always seem bigger than they actually are because it's always magnified to me, anything that's relevant to you. Wouldn't say that it bothers me, but I don't know how to put it in another way. Watching TFIOS definitely contributed to this trigger. It's been.... almost 3/6 months respectively. I was done with everything, I really was. 
Why is it slowly coming back now? 
I thought it was just another recurrence, which I always brush off very quickly. But this has been a nagging thought for the past week already and I just have to get this feeling off my chest.

it's so tough to fight everything off. I don't know what is there left to do. there's nothing left to do, which is the worrying part because everything is suppose to fall into place now but that isn't really the case during times like these. I'm actually amazed at I can be worrying and busy about so many things but yet still be able to accommodate these kinda shit in my mind. 
How is it that amidst all the busyness you still find a way to wriggle into my thoughts??

How is it that I can make room for what is meant to be left in the past and should stay there?

This, I will never know or understand. 

You're clearing up the remnants and residual of whatever; and so should I, but didn't I already? 
I guess I did (at least) for the things that are tangible, but sigh all these emotional baggage, I suppose you can't just keep away like that. 

Talked to Vanessa and just ranted and yes came to a realisation that,
 some things can only get better in time. 
Only time can clear up whatever that may seem unclearable right now. This is just another relapse and I'm glad I'm on my way to the right track, the one that was so difficult to get myself on.

I know I'm on the right route as long as I'm walking; walking away from you.

New home screen as a daily reminder to myself:

My talented father doing his archery.

Didn't plan on doing this, but well.

Honestly, I dont know why my dad and I keep having fights. 

We aren't VERY close but, not very distant either.

I was never a good daughter. I always got myself into trouble when I was younger, and I thank him for bearing with my mess. 

As I started to grow older, into my upper sec years and now, I feel like i'm really making an effort to have conversations with him and try to update him about my life.

But somehow, we still cant seem to see eye to eye at times.

I'll never be "daddy's girl". I've come to terms with that.

But I don't wanna bear grudges towards him, or him being unhappy with me all the time.

I think he feels that I mirror my mum, in the way she talks and behaves.

The thing is, they don't get along very well. Which is why he probably hates me at times because i'm like a mini her.

He doesn't see the bigger picture though.

I'm like him in many ways too. We both have strong personalities and are also very opinionated.

We share the passion for old music, both English and Chinese. 

I picked up shooting, which was also a sport he picked up when he was younger.

I have his small eyes, which i've learnt to embrace wholeheartedly.

Why can't he see these things in me?

I may have certain characteristics that my mum has. 

But I'm not her. Why do you treat me like how you treat her? 

I know I get on his nerves all the time. But I always end up apologizing.

Why can't he just let it go? 

Is our father & daughter r/s not worth more than a petty squabble?

Maybe it isn't. His pride is probably more important. 

HIM being right is more important in his eyes.

After reading this article by elitedaily, I don't wanna regret not telling/showing my parents that I love them and I really appreciate them. I wanna do my part as a filial daughter, to try and start showing my appreciation to him because he is getting older with each passing day.

It's not easy, but i'm willing to try. 

I am sorry for all the times I appear to be rude to him etc, but why can't he just let these arguments go?

It's emotionally draining for me, and the entire household while our "cold war" is going on.

If anything, these arguments have taught me to appreciate my other family members.

It has definitely always brought me closer to my mum and Nicholas, my brother.

My mum and I have our arguments too. But she always lets them go. 

Maybe that's why I feel close to her at times, because I know she won't ignore me because of a petty argument.

Nicholas is my youngest brother and he is 6 years younger than me.

Even though he can't do much, and he is also my dad's favourite, he will always offer to help me do things (like helping me get my pappy, charging my phone etc.) These acts may not be much, but it does show that he cares.

I still hope that my dad will learn to value me over the arguments we have or conflicts that seem unresolvable. 

He is my father after all, the one that loved me so much when I was younger, the one that never failed to provide things that would make me happy (like surprising me with my iPhone and whatsapping me to check how i'm doing). 

Similarities sometimes bring people together. They usually do.

Maybe this is something similar about the both of us. 

We never know how to show our love for each other through the right ways.

Sadly, this similarity brings us apart.