A Letter To My Wallet

This is a letter to my (ex) wallet.

Very few people know this but.. I'm SUPER attached to my previous wallet. 

It's this topshop suede wallet with a golden locket/bucket.

I still remember clearly how I walked into topshop one day some time in 2013.... 

It was pretty simple actually, I was with Emily, I saw the wallet and fell in love with it right away.

Was really hesitate at the start tho... cuz none of them looked completely "brand new", like everyone of them had their own flaw (scratches on the lock, suede etc.). 

I didn't know if it was worth my money to buy something that didn't look "perfect". I thought over it for a good 10mins? and I still wasn't completely sure. 

But what I was sure about, was the fact that I really loved it and would definitely regret if I walked out of topshop not getting it. I looked through all of them and decided on this one with a slight scratch on the lock. and so... I paid for it and I never felt happier :') 

I went home and told my mum (who was upset because I bought a new wallet hahah), 

"OMG MA I BOUGHT THIS WALLET I LOVE IT SO MUCH i bet you i won't change wallet and i'll use it for at least 2years (till I end JC)"

It felt like I found the wallet of my dreams, it really did. I loved EVERYTHING about it. About how it had such a pretty color combination of gold & black, the texture of it, and all it's compartments.

I loved all the bad that came with the good too, like how the suede would turn into a weird texture when it came into contact with water/sweat, how the lock and suede was so susceptible to scratches and how I always had to protect it when it rained and all. I loved it SO much.. my love for it never wavered.

There was only so much my love for my wallet could do, I could only do so much. It started to look more worn out, and overtime it began to fall apart on me. I considered switching wallets.. but somehow I never liked the ones that caught my eye enough to replace my wallet. 

I decided that my love for my wallet was still very much there, none could match up to it (in terms of design, price etc) and that I'll hold onto it. 

I was(/am) so emotionally attached to the wallet. Although it's physical look was wearing away, it was still very much useable. I just had to take more care of it. The real problem came when it was  literally starting to fall apart. The nail on the lock started to be loose. I was worried because the lock is what holds the wallet together. but I was more worried because I am SO emotionally attached to the wallet and it felt like no other wallet would ever be able to replace it, like I wouldn't be able to love another wallet the same way.

I held onto the wallet anyway.... and it just felt so shitty because the functionality of it was getting really straining. It felt like instead of using it, I was more of trying not to use it so I can keep it as intact as possible. I knew I would've never (not in a million wallet years ha ha ha) given up on my wallet but.. in a way it kinda "gave up" on me.

I began temporarily housing my ezlink card and cash in a pouch instead. I still continued carrying my wallet around with me, just because it had so many sentimental things, memories, what I was used to seeing etc. But... I realised I had to "let it go",  cuz it wasn't doing me or my wallet any good. 

If I loved it I should give it a break, you know? Like, at least i'll get to remember it being mostly good.

Wrote this Letter because, I finally switched wallets today :-) I was walking around, saw the wallet at 9:54pm (just as the shop was about to close) and BAM fell in love and just knew I had to get it. 

This wallet is so so so lovely :') it had a combination of gold & black as well, is made of a more sturdy material, is of a different shape. 

What stood out to me the most was definitely how, when I saw it, it gave me assurance. Like it looked and felt way more steadier, and most importantly how the wallet itself could convince me to fall in love with it (no one was there to persuade/reaffirm it). It was such short time, but I fell in love with it & it just really felt like it was worth getting (gave me assurance). 

I just didn't want to get all emotionally attached again to a wallet, just for all that to go in vain. 

I just removed everything in my previous wallet, and kept the contents away to places they should be kept at. I was quite sad that I couldn't transfer EVERYTHING in my previous wallet to my new one... then I realised that should be the way. I should keep the old stuff (polaroids, receipts etc) and let new things feel it up :-) I'm sure I can learn to love my new wallet the same, or even better than I did with my old wallet. My old wallet has been archived haha, after all JC has ended and I kept my promise in a way. Although it'll always have a special place in my heart, I realised that just because it meant a whole lot doesn't mean I have to keep it with me, because it really was doing me more harm than good.

-

I can't wait to fill my new wallet up with new things that I'll learn to hold close to my heart :-) 

ok end of post HAHA this post has oddly allusions to my r/s life in some way haha but okay, 

I enjoyed writing this :-)

-

7 Days to As, keeping my sanity and pushing right on. 

till then x

relapse

"I hate how a simple event could easily trigger my entire system to feel so awful altogether. It's probably accumulated from The Fault is in Our Stars. I'm not a fan of that movie, really. It awoken too many unwanted dormant feelings and I've no idea how to deal with them. So they remain suppressed. I wish I bawled like a child in the cinema like how some girls did but instead, I stared intently at the screen hoping for a better ending."

-Irinatyt 

Discovered many things today. Little things that will always seem bigger than they actually are because it's always magnified to me, anything that's relevant to you. Wouldn't say that it bothers me, but I don't know how to put it in another way. Watching TFIOS definitely contributed to this trigger. It's been.... almost 3/6 months respectively. I was done with everything, I really was. 
Why is it slowly coming back now? 
I thought it was just another recurrence, which I always brush off very quickly. But this has been a nagging thought for the past week already and I just have to get this feeling off my chest.

it's so tough to fight everything off. I don't know what is there left to do. there's nothing left to do, which is the worrying part because everything is suppose to fall into place now but that isn't really the case during times like these. I'm actually amazed at I can be worrying and busy about so many things but yet still be able to accommodate these kinda shit in my mind. 
How is it that amidst all the busyness you still find a way to wriggle into my thoughts??

How is it that I can make room for what is meant to be left in the past and should stay there?

This, I will never know or understand. 

You're clearing up the remnants and residual of whatever; and so should I, but didn't I already? 
I guess I did (at least) for the things that are tangible, but sigh all these emotional baggage, I suppose you can't just keep away like that. 

Talked to Vanessa and just ranted and yes came to a realisation that,
 some things can only get better in time. 
Only time can clear up whatever that may seem unclearable right now. This is just another relapse and I'm glad I'm on my way to the right track, the one that was so difficult to get myself on.

I know I'm on the right route as long as I'm walking; walking away from you.

New home screen as a daily reminder to myself:

pounced upon some things on youtube that just stirred up so many emotions within me.

these are two of the things:

 

Idek why..... they are like happy stuff and yes okay I can't explain man. 

no I did not fall back into my dark pit of sadness or whatsoever, just thought know this is my blog right? so why can't I write what I wanna write haha.

I guess for the past few months I've been trying to numb myself of any sort of emotion.. because it seemed like the best way to guard my heart from anything. So everything/one I read, saw, heard, talked to; I let them get to me only on the surface.

Everything I mean, everything. Thoughtcatalog articles that I read and could relate to, I glance through them quickly and send them to my reading list and close the tab. 

People that ask me how I am, I tell them I'm doing fine and i'm really not "sad" anymore (I really am not sad anymore haha); and mainly also because I didn't wanna think about anything or asked myself if I was fine. Because the moment I let myself think, I let myself feel. 

and honestly... nothing good comes out of that.

okay as of now I don't really know what's the point of this post hahahahaha, but must there 

be a point for this post? nah, 

It just felt scary, to have something get to the soft spot of your heart, the spot you hid away somewhere you don't even remember or know how to retrieve back. The spot you don't intend to recall where you left it at. You just know you hid it away so deep and far in, that you don't plan on bringing it out. 

I guess it fascinates me, and makes me realise that when something gets to me, i am reminded of the fact that I have a heart. & that I'm only human and it's okay to feel again once in awhile even though I try hard not to. Because I guess that what's scarier is when you realise, that

 you can't and don't feel anymore. 

-

okay, moving on :~)

Stuck in love

Time check: 2:49am 

Decided to watch Stuck in Love on a Saturday night. I got to know about this movie after reading Irinatyt's blog a while back! (i love love love her blog btw haha) 

Torrented the movie and heard quite a lot of good reviews about it but never got down to watching it. 

This is her actual blog post about it. 

I'll take parts from there I feel is relevant and italicise it because I really like the way she words her thoughts :')

...I fell in love like 45 times but I bawled my eyes out too. This movie came to me at the most perfect timing. I really needed something to give me a little clarity in this mess that I am in, from someone else's perspective. I am so glad I found Stuck In Love.

The movie showcases many relatable feelings and addresses the common human-struggle issues such as loss, betrayal, vulnerability, first love, heartbreak, commitment, trust issues, promises, and of course second chances.

This hit me pretty hard. Constant state of denial. It's true, isn't it? That some people choose to avoid problems. They think, if they don't acknowledge it, then just maybe.... just maybe the problem is not even there at all. Some people choose to run. And that's pretty unfair for people who chase.

I think I've entered this state of being cynical. I don't know, I never thought I'll end up being in this state. I mean it isn't a bad thing, but just that you know I've always been the sort of hopeless romantic (on the inside, at least) but right now it just isn't the same anymore. 

It's interesting being in this state though, it really is.

"She was hoping to find some piece of you in it"

That. That. ....I absolutely love this part of the movie, for getting what I've been trying to say out in such a simple sentence. It got me thinking how true it is that we look for people in the things that they love. We always try to find out the favourite things of the people we care about, and just maybe we could gather something personal about them we don't know of. Songs, movies, books, anything they love. Why does he/she fancy this? Is there something he felt connected to from there? What about it? etc.

Ever since my break up, I've in this perpetual state of mess. I mean I don't feel hurt or anything anymore, and this state of mess isn't literal. I would say it's some what an emotional mess?

It's definitely a lot better now, I guess I just never got down to really to ironing out my thoughts.

You know that feeling you feel, when someone you trust and love promises to never be the one to pull the trigger and hurt you... but they end up being the one that hurts you the deepest? 

yeah that feeling.

when I watched this show that scene was one of the scenes that got to me because the memory of me trusting someone to not hurt me is still so fresh and vivid.

Apparently, Stuck In Love taught me that it's okay to give second chances. We have to be brave when it comes to heart affairs. We have to put our heart on the line. Humans wander, and humans get lost once in a while but we'll always find our way back and when we do, that's what second chances are for. Is that true? 

not many movies or things get to me and tug at my heart strings so.. :')

since you've been gone

Hi everyone!!!! (anyone who happen to read this haha)

I've been on quite a hiatus, haven't I?

Had the feel to post these 2 selfies (which I just took haha) because:

1. I look healthier

2. I look happy

3. Gave me a glimpse/reminded me

 of what I was like a while back 

:')

I may still hurt, I may still falter. 

That's because I'm only human, I have feelings, I can feel.

I'm still lost, confused and trying to take everything one step at a time. 

Even if I look like I'm fine, trust me when I say that

I still struggle. every moment

but hey, here I am 

doing what i'm known for 

(or at least what most people say)

smiling :-)

This has been my home screen for the longest time now,
it's nothing fancy (it's laid out exactly like that), just with the quote:

NEVER

REGRET 

SOMETHING

THAT ONCE

MADE YOU

SMILE

 till the next time xx

Couples who are meant to be, have the ability to find their way back to each other; as if they're naturally drawn to each other. Even if they were to lose each other over something unpleasant, somehow they'll just mend back the gap. 

As silly as this is going to sound, I think that everyone is born in a pair (male + female); they're also attached to each other with an invisible string. This string is designed to keep them near to each other and find their way back to each other when they are lost. 

And only time will tell, who'll be the one finding their way back to you.

(via  Irina's blog)

He has a dimple on the right, mine's on the left :-)

This was when we were in sec 3? if i'm not wrong :-)

Probably my favourite gif of us cause we look so young! 

hahah not that we're very old now but there is a difference definitely.

Some thing funny happened today. We went for dinner at macs. Being the gross ass me, I dripped coke into my chill sauce because i was bored and waiting for him to finish. 

I  said, "If you love me you'll dip your fry into this concoction and eat it."

and the next second, he dipped his fry into the sauce, ate it and continued eating. 

I was like wtf I was just joking?!??!!!? he just gave me the poker face.

I must say I felt all warm and fuzzy on the inside.

I love browsing through old pics, reliving the moments and just thinking back whilst looking at them. 

Hardly ever do this now cause I cleared the pics in my phone awhile back, 14,000 pictures was doing my laggy phone no good

It's not easy maintaining a r/s with someone that is on a different academic route.

I'm in JC, while he is in poly. That takes a toll on us, on me sometimes.

We don't get to see each other often anymore because of our horrible clashing schedules... 

and it isn't easy for me cause I was used to seeing him a lot more when we were in secondary school.

Being paranoid and annoyed with constantly being apart from him for long period of time makes me trigger fights just for the sake of using that as in avenue to vent my frustration. It's really dumb of me most of the time but i'm glad he didnt give up on me, on us :-)

Our fights are never easy to get through, some times they get the better of me.

The funny thing is, I kinda start them most of the time. Maybe it's the resort to feel secure. 

like, the "oh if he loves me, he'll fight for me" concept.

It's so difficult at times. I'm left to over think, and insecurity creeps on me over and over again. 

I can't deal with pressure and stress which is what JC throws at me all the time, and I always feel like I'm on my own now that he is in a poly.

Eye candies in JC make me consider the possibility of just giving up on this strenuous relationship that some times seem to never work out. 

But I realise that as much as i can see myself being with another guy, it will probably be a month or two kinda affair. I can't seem to see myself feeling secure with another.

It's probably because I'm actually a very complex and messed up person on the inside. and amongst that mess lies strands of vulnerability and fear of what lies ahead. idek if that made sense

I guess what i'm trying to say is that, I'm so glad we're still together. 

we got through our rough patches and are stronger than ever :-)

Despite the fact that he has seen my darkest sides, he still stayed and wants us to work out.

Even if we don't work out, I know he'll always have a special spot in my heart

alrighty PW here I come.

this post doesn't quite make sense

Yes, its a picture of us again.

It's 11:05pm and I should probably get my GP essay outline done asap (for my anal gp tcher) (who's gonna make me stay back tmrw) (fml).

But no, I can't seem to bring myself to complete it. So yes here I am.

I would say this is a form of escapism, which in my definition is to do other things that allows me to not do what i'm suppose to be doing.

I'm sorry if my blog is flooded with boring pictures of Shawn+I and school mates...

I have a very uninteresting life, with nothing much going on. 

I guess this is a space that's becoming much more personal to me cause although I don't have a lot of things going on right now, there are things going on and I just need an outlet. (does this make sense)

Shawn makes me happy, not superficially. It's not easy cause i'm always so messed up on the inside... with so much going on in my head.

He is there when I'm thoroughly upset, there when I need to share my joy with someone. 

It's probably due to the fact that I don't really have friends that bother to patronise me, but then again he doesn't really too, so we have each other. I guess when you think don't have things to be grateful for, you find the slightest things to be grateful for.

It's not because we are more than friends that I find comfort and joy in/with him. I would say even if we don't work out in the future, he'll still be my best friend (more like my soulmate), cause it's hard to find another that can understand you so well and still accept you as you are. 

Everyday it gets harder. I feel a bit more inadequate in every aspect, and it just breaks me down further.

Not being able to catch up in class, clearly knowing on the inside that I am very far behind academically. Getting excluded in conversations, as much as I try to be nice. Knowing time is running short and I may be the very cause of my own downfall. Trying to catchup but it seems almost impossible. Not being able to bring myself to do shit cause' I don't know where to start and when I do I hit road blocks and hide away like a coward.

As much as I try to tell myself it's okay to not to be regarded, I suppose I just have to get used to this. 

it's even harder to tell yourself to get back on track when you come home to know that there's problems between your parents. It's worse when you realise, honestly no one gives a shit. 

Move on. Kids in Africa are starving. Stop whining. 

I need to learn to be a noble gas (as quoted from prudence eons ago), unreactive.

Keep your head held high. Here's to anyone who feels like shit, you're not alone and it's okay to feel that way. Just don't let it get to you

USS STUDENT PASS

In my attempt to keep my blog alive. haha

So these are a few pics taken on the weekend we decided to get the USS student pass heh

getting there is quite a hassle though:( at least to me.

My family had the sentosa islander card which grants unlimited access..

but expired alr so wtv haha.

Taking the monorail costs $4 if we use our ezlink cards,

which is considered ex alr cause USS is only one stop away >:(

So yup, for the sake of saving $$$, we walk to sentosa!

Save money + don't need to squeeze with tourists :-)

It's tough being with someone who's not in your school + not in the same acad route as you + ends school late + when your parents don't know abt you two.

but again, if you really want something to work out, it won't be easy, but it will if you put in the effort.

Days like these are so precious! 

When you don't have THAT much time together during the week, sweating and eating Doritos together is quite fulfilling (trust me, it is)

Short post but i'll be back with more soon hehe

ask.fm/annabelannabelz

till then x