11 days

Managed to consolidate whatever I can for Econs as of 12:44 am. Just gonna go in tmr and see what I can do haha. So stressed and feeling so pms-y it's not even funny anymore. Plus all those late nights i've had (mainly mugging) are starting to manifest on my body and take a toil on me. My eye bags, horrid complexion (fucking pimples FUUUUUCK) etc. sigh. Exam anxiety has always gotten the best of me, fuck that shit.

 "If you can't beat them, join them." 

or more like if you aren't able to defeat it, don't fight against it. Rather, work with it.

Today I realised how I've grown. Grown to be more understanding, grown to be more patient. I also realised how the lessons learnt from the best relationships you've had, past or present, will go on with you and you will always find yourself learning from them. I'm flawed. Horribly. Not that I didn't already know, but I realised I couldn't let my faults cost me another person.  

A question that has been lingering in my head (on top of all the exam related shit),  

How do you love strongly, passionately, with all you have, but yet guard your heart at the same time? 

To love at all is to be vulnerable.

-

Above all these thoughts though, I've been really happy for the past 1.5 weeks. Happiest I've been in a while. It's true, when someone slams the front door shut on you, a lot of others open up. 

The best things in life come when you least expect them to. :)

Am finishing macro and moving onto micro now. Econs is such a pain.

Tonight I had one of the most enjoyable convos, one of the nicest I had in a really long time. It was a really good break from my work :') For once I felt okay again? I felt at ease. Felt like I didn't have to put up a front (well, not that much) anymore, because I actually felt okay? :') I felt more than okay. Honestly don't have the exact words, or maybe I can't find any right now. Words don't seem suffice to describe how I'm feeling. 

CTs in exactly a day and I still have so much to clear up. ah well, gonna nap now and wake up to continue trying.

you probably won't ever see this space (which is good and bad)

It's 6:30 am now and i'm still grinning to myself like a retard. I haven't felt this happy in awhile now, the kinda feeling you get within yourself that makes you feel all fuzzy and shit haha. You came in like a cool summer breeze, something very different. I didn't really know how it would pan out but it's going better than expected? :-) When I told you I've grown cold to things and very few make me feel anymore, I really wasn't kidding. 

To feel like you're getting thawed is something very interesting and also extremely scary. It's akin to stepping out of your comfort zone. When you feel like something or someone is growing onto you, it is so easy to just go with the flow and rest in their embrace. As much as it feels very good right now, I still plan on keeping my guard up. I hope you'll understand why when you have to, but even if you don't I won't blame you either. I used to trip and fall head over heels so easily but I've come to realise there's only so much my heart can take and it's about due time I take care of it. You can only get hurt if you choose to. 

It's so easy to let myself reciprocate, you know? But what is momentary bliss, if sadness and pain comes after? Nothing much really. I'm holding back but I hope you can see that it is a precautionary. Ignorance is bliss for now..... until a certain point. but till then, come what may. 

:-)

dgaf

Met up with Coco for a study sesh today!!!!! no pics cuz was hard at work DUHH haha

maki-san after wheee hehe never tried it before so since we were near dhoby why not :-)

 Panorama pic of the shop, super cute interior design hehe 

makes me feel so happy looking at the illustrations of the different sushis

Food coma afterwards x.x global economy killed me slowly but surely and definitely haha

Untied my braid when I reached home. Love the removing of my braid cuz like the braid makes my hair really fluffy and like wavy HAHA

everyday is gonna be mugging day cuz last week of hols already 

and yes CTs have to spoil it for me sighhhh :( I'M GONNA PULL THROUGH, I WILL.

On a side note today I had a catch up session over lunch with tcher Hong suan and mmm it was really nice that someone wanted to know how I was coping with school, home etc :') 

changed my blog header pic thingy. I know no one will notice la but hey I like it heheh wew

if vlow, is reading this I miss u sigh just saw your face on WA but i think you died on me AGAIN bij haha imyimyimyimy.

if Stelz and em are reading this, miss your faces and nonsense although we just annoyed each other through WA ytd HAHAH gahhhhhhh don't worry about not being prepared and shit, there's always belz LOLOL jk ok rlly miss you guys (and I want 4fingers weh)

Realised how full of themselves people can be. Used to have so many fucks to give man. Was talking to Leon about it on WA (our convos are damn candid and light hearted he's really nice to talk to HAHA) like randomly and well, I was really enlightened. Some things are just not worth my time and I really have better things to do/think about. This is definitely what everyone has been trying to get me to realise and I think I'm starting to see it better now. and mmm let's just say giving up my second hand things to people who are deprived honestly isn't difficult at all and well I really should settle for what I deserve and not anything less. 

Time is what you make of it; and so is your life, 

I definitely do not want to lead a life as pathetic and undignified as yours : )

till the next time hehehe 

relapse

"I hate how a simple event could easily trigger my entire system to feel so awful altogether. It's probably accumulated from The Fault is in Our Stars. I'm not a fan of that movie, really. It awoken too many unwanted dormant feelings and I've no idea how to deal with them. So they remain suppressed. I wish I bawled like a child in the cinema like how some girls did but instead, I stared intently at the screen hoping for a better ending."

-Irinatyt 

Discovered many things today. Little things that will always seem bigger than they actually are because it's always magnified to me, anything that's relevant to you. Wouldn't say that it bothers me, but I don't know how to put it in another way. Watching TFIOS definitely contributed to this trigger. It's been.... almost 3/6 months respectively. I was done with everything, I really was. 
Why is it slowly coming back now? 
I thought it was just another recurrence, which I always brush off very quickly. But this has been a nagging thought for the past week already and I just have to get this feeling off my chest.

it's so tough to fight everything off. I don't know what is there left to do. there's nothing left to do, which is the worrying part because everything is suppose to fall into place now but that isn't really the case during times like these. I'm actually amazed at I can be worrying and busy about so many things but yet still be able to accommodate these kinda shit in my mind. 
How is it that amidst all the busyness you still find a way to wriggle into my thoughts??

How is it that I can make room for what is meant to be left in the past and should stay there?

This, I will never know or understand. 

You're clearing up the remnants and residual of whatever; and so should I, but didn't I already? 
I guess I did (at least) for the things that are tangible, but sigh all these emotional baggage, I suppose you can't just keep away like that. 

Talked to Vanessa and just ranted and yes came to a realisation that,
 some things can only get better in time. 
Only time can clear up whatever that may seem unclearable right now. This is just another relapse and I'm glad I'm on my way to the right track, the one that was so difficult to get myself on.

I know I'm on the right route as long as I'm walking; walking away from you.

New home screen as a daily reminder to myself:

Day w Seb ma homie!!

Monday, 16th June 2014

It's the second week of June already and..... let's just say I don't think I've gotten my shit together just yet. No point panicking, so I decided I should just do smth about it. Dropped ma homie Satli a text the week before and she said she was free and up for studying so heheh we decided to have a study sesh!!!!  Fun fact: did you know her name is pronounced as She bree nah but it's spelt as Sebryna(which is also her insta name) and not Sabrina ?!?!? i never knew hahahaha

We were suppose to meet at 2:45 but we were both late HAHAH reached Siglap Starbucks around 4+/5!! Although we aren't thaaaaaat close (yet), our convo had no problem starting and hehehe I love talking to her!!! like she told me about how she was so hungry and decided to get a hand roll from Umisushi, had problems unwrapping it etc hahahaha, 

our convos are nothing much but definitely hilarious HAHAHA 

The weather was insanely hot, thankfully we managed to get seats in the aircon area hehe. I didn't draw on eyeliner initially, but Seb thought I looked nice in eyeliner and she realised that she brought her eyeliner out so... TADAAAAAA I have eyeliner on.

our study sesh was quite productive...... although we got distracted at times by two cute guys we spotted heheh quite funny actually cuz we couldn't stop giggling and shit HAHAHA.

Seb also got the do a survey get a free drink thingy, which i ALWAYS miss somehow. My friend who orders after me always gets it, friggin unlucky :'( but hey she did the survey there and then, &&& shared the free drink with me :') so nice of her. 

anyway, yay!!!! to productivity (what we desperately need rn haha). 

After that we left around 8:30 ish :--)

The aftermath of our study sesh wew

Headed off for dinner! She suggested Strictly Pancakes. 

I was initially very reluctant to step in cuz.. Shawn used talk about how he'll bring me there and that I'll def love it. But we never went and shit happened so... yup. In the end I decided to go with it anyway cuz, fuck it la I can't keep avoiding shit and possibly deprive myself because I let the past affect the present.

sooooo Strictly Pancakes for dinna!!! :-)

look far away all #step HAHAHA jk :*

She has had Strictly quite abit soooo she recommended me The druggie!! and gave me her opinions of the other ones too heh. We both ordered the same thing cuz craving for sweet stuff. Decided to downsize cuz I wasn't feeling 3 pancakes hahaha

did what we did best while waiting for our food, take pix :-p

Loving her dip dyed blue hair!!! which faded to purple, I LOVE IT so pretty.

midway we had a lot of picture ideas and this is the one that made it. 

She's super candid and funny which is why I think we have no problem clicking :-D this is her casually having a brilliant idea to look like she's about to nom her hair cuz it looks like maggie mee!!

our food came!!! we r THE DRUGGIES

am in love with the presentation *__*

The one that made it onto ma insta heh

As said earlier, this was my first time having Strictly Pancakes hahah 

anticipating my bite > putting it into ma mouth > savouring it > yay nice mmmyum 

Seb the regular going ahead with her druggie.

Can I just say I am so glad I downsized my meal?? do not underestimate how filling these pancakes are, halfway through and I already was super full :'((((( couldn't finish my meal, only finished the strawberries, ice cream and 1 1/2 pancakes HAHAH insane.

walked to the busstop feeling like we ate the entire store HAHAHA we were SO full.

boarded the bus back to tamp :-)

The chrome filter will never do you wronggggg:

Great start to the second (and very {relatively} busy + packed) week of June!!

going for some free math revision lesson tmr on 

Differentiation at 10 am (PRAYINGGGG that I will not oversleep).

Here's to many more productive study sessions yay :-)