3 am thoughts

it's 3 am and i'm still up. :-)

I've been sleeping realllyyyyy late recently. okay maybe not recently, since 3-4 months back. It's not exactly what I want, but I realised it's a form of escapism.

"es·cap·ism" the tendency to seek distraction and relief from unpleasant realities, especially by seeking entertainment or engaging in fantasy.

actually idek why i'm writing out my thoughts now on this space but I figured it's my blog, 

and I can write whatever the hell I want. I guess it's also about time I start pouring some soul onto it like I did before, because I've been doing so since... pri 5? why change right haha.

I realised I have escapist tendencies, one of which is to as much as possible, try not to sleep and when I do (because i'm physically drained) I'll be really deep in sleep. ok idk if i made sense but yes haha.

and it just goes on like this.

I guess because I know when I go to sleep my mind wanders? It's like overthinking but subconsciously. And I think staying awake feels almost like I have control over what I think about, what I see, what I read, what I feel... which is probably why I'd rather be awake if I can. It feels like I have control. but when I sleep, I feel vulnerable. Vulnerable to whatever may come;

 whatever thoughts that I kept away so painstakingly, whatever things I choose to unsee, whatever I don't want to register in my mind, whatever feelings and emotions I buried deep within me and choose not to feel. 

Before I go to sleep, I will say a little prayer to coax myself to go and rest. When I sleep, it feels like I am free falling, free falling into a dark abyss. It's like falling and falling... not knowing what lies below, and then hitting the bottom eventually. That's how I feel like when I wake up. I've heard people talking about how when they sleep and then wake up, they feel even more tired. That's somewhat how I feel like, it feels like I've just gone on a wild ride and I finally got off. 

Some mornings(/afternoons) aren't too bad, they are pretty refreshing, but others are just shitty. They leave me feeling worst than I felt before going to sleep. 

The worst thing is that when I wake up, I have to deal with the aftermath of my thoughts. It's like running 2.4 fkm for napfa and having to deal with the aches and sores after. That gets difficult sometimes because there's such a fine line between your thoughts and reality (at least for me). I know I sound very emo and dark and all but I really am just writing my thoughts as it is, and people who know me well enough will know that I hate expressing myself like this (so elaborate and all), and it comes naturally and easily when it's heartfelt and true to my thoughts.

okay so yup just felt the need to record my 3 am thoughts. It's not gonna be the last of it though haha.

if you think i'm being ridiculous and overthinking this then sorry to disappoint, I don't need to justify and validate my thoughts with anyone.

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A quote kept me up tonight, and actually it has been a lingering in my mind for the past week now:

"And you tried to change, didn't you? Closed your mouth more. Tried to be softer, prettier, less volatile, less awake...You can't make homes out of human beings. Someone should have already told you that. And if he wants to leave, then let him leave. You are terrifying, and strange, and beautiful. Something not everyone knows how to love." -Warsan Shire

it just spoke to my heart from different and all angles.. and very little things do. 

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 I know I seem very out of sorts and all but I'll be fine, I know I'll be :-)

just wanted to anchor my thoughts down and what better way than to put them into words right?