different kind of buzz

(typed this otw home hehe)

I realised that the magic of genuine friendships are underrated, and the beauty of relationships are slightly overrated. I've never really had friendships, i've always been (and still am) a "everybody's friend" kinda person. But I've come to learn that those are what people call acquaintances. 

Being in a state of nothingness and hopelessness for so long... I thought nothing could tide me over this, and it scared me to think I have to remain in this miserable state forever. 

But hey.... I realised I didn't have to. 

"Good things fall apart,

so that better things can come together"

How my life turns out is what I fill it with. And closing one door, opened up so many others. I know my sentences doesn't rlly quite make sense rn but I'm just spilling my thoughts so whatever hehe. 

I'm the kind of person that is very.. loser-ish, I don't deny it. I admit, I really don't have cliques and a lot of people I can hang with etc. 

I remember blogging about this back when I was in secondary school before HAHAHAHA but yes, it's something I've come to terms with over time. I was always envious of people who could call on a bunch of friends to chill or yknow have a BFF that they can turn to as and when.

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Recently, my social life has taken a change for the better. My life is now filled with friends, friends I hold really, really close to my heart. As with every relationship (friendship or Bgr), there are different kinds of challenges. But if there's something I've learnt, it is that everyone is different; together with their pros, they also come with different types of flaws 

and to truly love and want to keep them is to take both their good and bad. 

My friends probably wouldn't know how important they are to me and how much they've done for me (unknowingly). I feel like... a part of me is complete. And no I didn't gain like 50 new friends or something haha, just a few indispensable ones. 

I don't think everyone would understand where I'm coming from, because having close friends for many is something that has been part of their life or comes so naturally for them. 

But unfortunately (or fortunately), it wasn't the case for me. 

Every single one of them add a different color to my life and even though I'm not the perfect friend, and I piss the shit out of them at times (/all the time HAHA), I can never be grateful enough for them. 

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I guess all this totals up to something special for me. It's like a part of me is rekindling? 

(was it ever kindled to begin with though, not sure) 

like a part of me is awakened as my heart takes in all the little blessings that come with them (or them in essence). but all I really know is that, 

the last time I was this grateful for something in my life was Shawn. 

and that means this must be pretty damn special. 

:')

J

School

this is the person who always bojios me to lunches and yes ok la jk still love her haha

Today at tuition, I met this girl, let's call her J. She's sec 3 now and yeah we gelled pretty well cuz lol too tired for this tuition thing. So we takes and I got to know a bit more about her, where she's schooling at and all. One thing that struck me was, although she didn't explicitly say it, but she was really falling through the cracks in this education system. 

She told me how she was failing almost all her subjects. The tone of her voice was so... sad. Because it didn't have a trace of hope. I asked her if she was looking to enter poly or JC, and she just said wherever her friend goes she would just follow. I could see that she was just doing this studying thingy because she has to, and it's like a never-ending routine. I know it's pretty common nowadays and she's not the only one haha. But it's definitely the first time I've personally spoken to someone who was just praying that the school wouldn't retain her at sec 3.

I just continued listening to her talk and I didn't really feel the need to tell her much because, 

there's nothing much to tell someone when they need is a listening ear right? 

I recall being a 15 year old. In a school where most people were looking to go into Business course in poly or MJ/TJ. Remembering not doing well for school (i never did well lol)... but not exactly feeling hopeless? In fact I think hope was what continued to motivate and propel me forward.

I guess it struck me that not everyone is trying to make it to the top, 

some just wanna make it out alive. 

-

On a side note I can't wait for my vlow to call me already hahahah 

SHE's TAKING FOREVER

pounced upon some things on youtube that just stirred up so many emotions within me.

these are two of the things:

 

Idek why..... they are like happy stuff and yes okay I can't explain man. 

no I did not fall back into my dark pit of sadness or whatsoever, just thought know this is my blog right? so why can't I write what I wanna write haha.

I guess for the past few months I've been trying to numb myself of any sort of emotion.. because it seemed like the best way to guard my heart from anything. So everything/one I read, saw, heard, talked to; I let them get to me only on the surface.

Everything I mean, everything. Thoughtcatalog articles that I read and could relate to, I glance through them quickly and send them to my reading list and close the tab. 

People that ask me how I am, I tell them I'm doing fine and i'm really not "sad" anymore (I really am not sad anymore haha); and mainly also because I didn't wanna think about anything or asked myself if I was fine. Because the moment I let myself think, I let myself feel. 

and honestly... nothing good comes out of that.

okay as of now I don't really know what's the point of this post hahahahaha, but must there 

be a point for this post? nah, 

It just felt scary, to have something get to the soft spot of your heart, the spot you hid away somewhere you don't even remember or know how to retrieve back. The spot you don't intend to recall where you left it at. You just know you hid it away so deep and far in, that you don't plan on bringing it out. 

I guess it fascinates me, and makes me realise that when something gets to me, i am reminded of the fact that I have a heart. & that I'm only human and it's okay to feel again once in awhile even though I try hard not to. Because I guess that what's scarier is when you realise, that

 you can't and don't feel anymore. 

-

okay, moving on :~)

clear sky

one of those rare days when the sky is SUUUUPER duper clear 

rmb not having enough sleep that week, when do I ever get enough anyway hahaha.

felt extremely out of sorts and physically worn out so I didn't do pe, we ended up just chilling and talking cause a lot of people didn't come/had match

jump shots against the beautiful view hehe

doing what we do a lot of :-p 

I look so tired and all check out the unkempt hair & designer eye bags

Stella's amazing hair tying skills *__* she came up with this hair style on the spot haha 

can always count on her to braid my hair hehe 

This other class was trying to do a really cute class pic thing!!! so coo0oooOool

Impromptu class pic with Mr Tay :-)

we were all suppose to do the serious face here but i :) really :) couldn't :) do :) it :)

Pictures like this ^ just radiate a whole lot of good vibes don't they?? 

fisheye adventures

One of those days where I decided to bring my fisheye lens out to school. 

It has this insanely adorable old school vignette effect?!?!

Fell in love all over with it again :*)

Class is never a bore with them around :') 

Ever thankful for this bunch hehe

And of course my homegurl and my fav Pinoy pennybarcy hehehehe

Relationship with this girl in one picture :*

Panaroma+fisheye hehehe

Just another day in between lessons