3 am thoughts

it's 3 am and i'm still up. :-)

I've been sleeping realllyyyyy late recently. okay maybe not recently, since 3-4 months back. It's not exactly what I want, but I realised it's a form of escapism.

"es·cap·ism" the tendency to seek distraction and relief from unpleasant realities, especially by seeking entertainment or engaging in fantasy.

actually idek why i'm writing out my thoughts now on this space but I figured it's my blog, 

and I can write whatever the hell I want. I guess it's also about time I start pouring some soul onto it like I did before, because I've been doing so since... pri 5? why change right haha.

I realised I have escapist tendencies, one of which is to as much as possible, try not to sleep and when I do (because i'm physically drained) I'll be really deep in sleep. ok idk if i made sense but yes haha.

and it just goes on like this.

I guess because I know when I go to sleep my mind wanders? It's like overthinking but subconsciously. And I think staying awake feels almost like I have control over what I think about, what I see, what I read, what I feel... which is probably why I'd rather be awake if I can. It feels like I have control. but when I sleep, I feel vulnerable. Vulnerable to whatever may come;

 whatever thoughts that I kept away so painstakingly, whatever things I choose to unsee, whatever I don't want to register in my mind, whatever feelings and emotions I buried deep within me and choose not to feel. 

Before I go to sleep, I will say a little prayer to coax myself to go and rest. When I sleep, it feels like I am free falling, free falling into a dark abyss. It's like falling and falling... not knowing what lies below, and then hitting the bottom eventually. That's how I feel like when I wake up. I've heard people talking about how when they sleep and then wake up, they feel even more tired. That's somewhat how I feel like, it feels like I've just gone on a wild ride and I finally got off. 

Some mornings(/afternoons) aren't too bad, they are pretty refreshing, but others are just shitty. They leave me feeling worst than I felt before going to sleep. 

The worst thing is that when I wake up, I have to deal with the aftermath of my thoughts. It's like running 2.4 fkm for napfa and having to deal with the aches and sores after. That gets difficult sometimes because there's such a fine line between your thoughts and reality (at least for me). I know I sound very emo and dark and all but I really am just writing my thoughts as it is, and people who know me well enough will know that I hate expressing myself like this (so elaborate and all), and it comes naturally and easily when it's heartfelt and true to my thoughts.

okay so yup just felt the need to record my 3 am thoughts. It's not gonna be the last of it though haha.

if you think i'm being ridiculous and overthinking this then sorry to disappoint, I don't need to justify and validate my thoughts with anyone.

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A quote kept me up tonight, and actually it has been a lingering in my mind for the past week now:

"And you tried to change, didn't you? Closed your mouth more. Tried to be softer, prettier, less volatile, less awake...You can't make homes out of human beings. Someone should have already told you that. And if he wants to leave, then let him leave. You are terrifying, and strange, and beautiful. Something not everyone knows how to love." -Warsan Shire

it just spoke to my heart from different and all angles.. and very little things do. 

-

 I know I seem very out of sorts and all but I'll be fine, I know I'll be :-)

just wanted to anchor my thoughts down and what better way than to put them into words right?

#throwback: Easter 2014

My easter weekend this year was really nice :-) I used to perform for my church's easter concert but stopped after sec 1! this year, I managed to take time out to invite people for my church's easter concert, haven't watched it in a while already but hey better late than never hehehe. 

Friday, 18th April 2014

Good friday!!! Bryan didn't have plans so I invited him and tempted him with food HAHA cuz there's supper provided after the concert. AND YES HE AGREED TO COME!!! 

usually people wouldn't make time to come, especially if it's last minute. But I'm glad he came anyway heh.

OOTD FOR DA FIRST NIGHTTTT

Vanessa!! she performed :-)

We headed off to Chomp chomp for more supper after HAHAHA pigs for life srsly. had a really good talk with him, mix of our usual whatnots and some what heartoheart stuff. it's always fun talking to him about everything because he knows me for SOOOOO long already and sometimes (most of the time) I don't have to word my thoughts completely and yet he'll understand where i'm coming from :)

really glad he made time to come down :~)

Saturday, 19th April 2014

The Easter concert programme runs on two nights, so I invited vlow, kello & cello :-) 

favfavfav trusty romper

 It's always joy and laughter around this bunch and I'm so glad they could come. 

Vlow is especially close to my heart because we're just so similar and we click really well too haha. up till now we still can't figure out how we became so close but whatever :-p

Had a htht with her after, and I felt so much better :-)

bellokellocellovlow reunion HAHA

Sunday,  20th April 2014

!!!EASTER SUNDAY!!!

woke up late so I really didn't have time to get ready or what not, thankful I didn't look THAT shitty.

headed down to Shangri-La and hey I was on time phew

The one that made it on insta hehe:

One of the first few people I met in the morning, RYAN!!!! who acted like he didn't wanna take a selfie but he really wanted to take HAHA

GRACEEEE who came late but I saved a seat for her.

After easter service.... L U N C H yumz.

Lunch was obviously amazing as with every year. managed to sit with the complete batch and we were all just really happy! I think it only happened once in 18 years HAHA

Shangrila has the BEST toilets btw haha. Not only does it have free combs, clean toilet seats and pretty interior design... it has really good lighting as well HAHAHA

Some of the aunties who wore Han boks!! such a cute sight haha

With darryl!!! Grew up with him and he's in Army alr, time really flies haha. The last time I rmb we were both still in secondary school :p

With Ryan!!! yes he is Darryl's brother haha this boy ah all grown up alr. He used to be REAAAAALLLYYYYY short??? but now he's taller than me :-((((( how can.

Vanessa!!! Probably one of the girls I'm closer to in church :*

ANDDDD of course the batch of '96 :-)

////abrupt ending////

Stuck in love

Time check: 2:49am 

Decided to watch Stuck in Love on a Saturday night. I got to know about this movie after reading Irinatyt's blog a while back! (i love love love her blog btw haha) 

Torrented the movie and heard quite a lot of good reviews about it but never got down to watching it. 

This is her actual blog post about it. 

I'll take parts from there I feel is relevant and italicise it because I really like the way she words her thoughts :')

...I fell in love like 45 times but I bawled my eyes out too. This movie came to me at the most perfect timing. I really needed something to give me a little clarity in this mess that I am in, from someone else's perspective. I am so glad I found Stuck In Love.

The movie showcases many relatable feelings and addresses the common human-struggle issues such as loss, betrayal, vulnerability, first love, heartbreak, commitment, trust issues, promises, and of course second chances.

This hit me pretty hard. Constant state of denial. It's true, isn't it? That some people choose to avoid problems. They think, if they don't acknowledge it, then just maybe.... just maybe the problem is not even there at all. Some people choose to run. And that's pretty unfair for people who chase.

I think I've entered this state of being cynical. I don't know, I never thought I'll end up being in this state. I mean it isn't a bad thing, but just that you know I've always been the sort of hopeless romantic (on the inside, at least) but right now it just isn't the same anymore. 

It's interesting being in this state though, it really is.

"She was hoping to find some piece of you in it"

That. That. ....I absolutely love this part of the movie, for getting what I've been trying to say out in such a simple sentence. It got me thinking how true it is that we look for people in the things that they love. We always try to find out the favourite things of the people we care about, and just maybe we could gather something personal about them we don't know of. Songs, movies, books, anything they love. Why does he/she fancy this? Is there something he felt connected to from there? What about it? etc.

Ever since my break up, I've in this perpetual state of mess. I mean I don't feel hurt or anything anymore, and this state of mess isn't literal. I would say it's some what an emotional mess?

It's definitely a lot better now, I guess I just never got down to really to ironing out my thoughts.

You know that feeling you feel, when someone you trust and love promises to never be the one to pull the trigger and hurt you... but they end up being the one that hurts you the deepest? 

yeah that feeling.

when I watched this show that scene was one of the scenes that got to me because the memory of me trusting someone to not hurt me is still so fresh and vivid.

Apparently, Stuck In Love taught me that it's okay to give second chances. We have to be brave when it comes to heart affairs. We have to put our heart on the line. Humans wander, and humans get lost once in a while but we'll always find our way back and when we do, that's what second chances are for. Is that true? 

not many movies or things get to me and tug at my heart strings so.. :')